Monday, February 28, 2011

Emerging Back

The moment of truth, the sudden emergence of a new insight, is an act of intuition.
Arthur Koestler

The first major steps to emerging back into life here in California were taken this weekend. I got together with some photography friends on Friday and then squeezed in a short hike on Saturday morning. I'm realizing that I'm going to have to go back and begin to relearn Photoshop. I had begun the process of learning 19 months ago and things began to change. As luck would have it, I have found an online class that does Photoshop CS3 which I still have and want to learn before I leap into the higher editions. It begins in a couple of weeks and I intend to be there.

Mom is still holding on, but she moves away from us a little bit more every day. I speak to her on the phone daily for a few moments. I debated going back, but I realized I don't have much time left from work and I would only have a week with her. At this point when she is afraid and wants someone with her constantly, I don't think I could handle having to leave her there with that fear. I wish it was different, but her choices from a few years ago to be in the Midwest created this scenario. My sisters and I here in the West have agonized over not being able to be there at this time, but the reality of life is that you have to keep living yours even when someone you love is losing theirs. This may be one of the hardest lessons I've learned, but learn it I have and I am as I said when I began this entry am emerging back.

Because of the thoughts of change, of being from Michigan, the process of getting to change and having watched the Oscars last night, I've been thinking about Eminem today so it away I feel a kinship to his award winning song...

Eminem, "Lose Yourself":

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I Am A Rock and I'm Getting Closer to Fine

I am a rock, I am an island
Simon and Garfield

It's been a long couple of months. I was called out to Michigan because they didn't think my Mom was going to make it. Long story short, she made it and is still here. I had to come back to California, because of other events happening, I'm moved into a condo on my own. So it's been busy. Emotions have been like a yo-yo. Up and down. I would like to return to Michigan in some ways, but in other ways, no. I'm playing it by ear. Things are changing in so many areas of life, I just take it as it comes.

My mom was moved to a permanent hospice house this past week to spend her last days, weeks or months? The doctors and we have given up predicting. My siblings and I are talking regularly and I think all of us being together in December for what we thought was her last days brought us together after a few initial rough spots.

I try to to talk to her daily. Some days she recognizes me, some not (the cancer is now in her brain). It's a tough call, but unless she has a miracle and returns to the Mom I know, I hope the end is soon. We're all tired and watching our mother regress into a child-like state has been hard.

Right now though I've found a center in my home, I'm meditating again, doing yoga and beginning to make plans to return to a life that I have in many ways let go in the past 19 months (but wouldn't trade it for the time I've had with Mom). I'm getting closer to fine.

Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine":

Beginning Yet Again

  "Never feel guilty for starting again." -Rupi Kaur These days being a flaneuse has been more mental than physical. I moved to Ar...