Monday, July 23, 2012

Clouds Pour In

Today has been a hard day. First I had to fight with the State of California on my disability as they were convinced that I was being paid through another source. It took about 3 hours of effort to get it straightened out. Then I had a doctors appointment to look at what is going on. Long story short unless the MammoPrint comes with good news I'll begin chemo (even thought I've been saying no from early on). He has put me out until November 1st. I tried to convince him to let me go back around Labor Day, but we came to an agreement that he will met with me at the end of August to see how I am.

I need to go back to work as it will become financially more difficult if I don't. So I've scheduled to see an acupuncturist beginning next week. Everything I've read states it will help with the chemo side effects and hormonal side effects. Like it or not I'm going into menopause through the chemo and hormone therapy. Another thing to deal with. I'm still doing herbal compounds that are helping me get ready for that and so far my docs are agreeing with this strategy.

Why am I doing the chemo if the test comes back supporting chemo? Because of the percentages. There is a high chance I will have a reoccurrence left untreated per my discussion with my doctor today. I wish I could be one of the women who walk away and just do alternative, but I've spent my life working with integrative medicine and for now I will continue.

I'm also mourning. It's hard to feel like your life has been taken out of your control and today feels that way. Eventually I'll get through it though. It's also been hard when people that you opened your heart and mind to seem to not be with you. I wish I could just say good-bye and be done...but it's going to take some time, my heart is more of a marshmallow then a stone.  

I've been wandering around my city the last couple of days seeking out places to reflect and think as cabin fever has been on me and I need to feel connected to something else. Really understand what the Red Hot Chili Peppers were talking about in "Under the Bridge".

The gratitude list has a bittersweet flavor today. I am grateful that even when I can't seem to see it I know the universe will provide the way. And from the lyrics of a song I posted recently, that while I regret some starts that had some better ends, I'm thankful for every break of my heart, I'm grateful for every scar because they are lessons learned.

Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Under The Bridge":

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